Monthly Archives: September 2009

Complete and happy.

The ghost of Mom followed me shopping yesterday, bullying me into buying an ugly shirt (I walked around the store with it for a while, tried it on in the fitting room, but put it back before heading out), advising me to buy new pillows for the spare room , steering me away from questionable patterns for curtains in the fabric store . I broke down in the fabric store about three times. I muttered “oh, Mommy” aloud at least twice. I feel much closer to my mother in Fabric Depot than I ever would in a church. I am sure of it.

After shopping I got home and sat in the sun on the deck in the backyard. Nadju was excited to see me and ran over to sit at my feet, which entirely broke my heart since she’s been so preoccupied with being free outside. The squirrel that lives in our maple tree chattered at us, looking down at us from a branch while holding its little paws on its hips, and I was so completely happy. Complete and happy. My house and maple tree, Nadjie glad to see me, the sun out and warm, fabric folded in a bag for me to wash and iron and make into curtains for each of the rooms in our new house. I love this part of my life, which seems all wrong with Mom gone. But maybe there are certain parts that are complete because she is somehow there: shopping in the fabric store, sitting outside to drink morning tea, being with my dad and sister, listening to the iron breathe steam as I push it across the pattern she told me to get for the spare room. Oh, Mommy.

And we’re going to have a girl. Her middle name will be Barbara.

To hold you.

Today we find out whether you’re a girl or a boy. I just want to see you moving around. Now I can feel you kick and roll around in there several times a day. I’ve started talking to you. Last night while sitting on the couch, my dad placed his hand on my belly hoping to feel something.

Sometimes I think of you as a fish, rolling around in sunlit water. Sometimes you are all elbows and fists. I can’t imagine what you’ll look like, how perfect the feeling will be to hold you. To hold you!